so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
