why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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