i need an iv and a liver transplant
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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