i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
