I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
