The maid of honor just puked.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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