captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
