I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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