did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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