im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
