I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
