we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
