First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
