checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
