Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm really busy with my period
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