Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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