My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
