ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
