i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
