the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
