We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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