this beer tastes like vomit already
Is it because I queefed?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
