: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
