I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
