"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
