I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
