I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Found your dick twin last night
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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