absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
