just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
