Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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