there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
