no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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