Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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