i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
