just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
