Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
