i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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