Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
