i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
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