Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
