There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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