I just threw up on my dentist
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
