A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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