it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
