I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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