she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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