I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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