we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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