just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
