If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
