Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
