I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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