Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
