You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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