I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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