he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
And then my night got REAL pukey
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
