Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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