im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
