and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize