Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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