Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
