Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
