dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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